Abuse of Power

THE clearinghouse on police-perpetrated domestic violence

...police victims' special circumstances affect legal strategies

Custody and Visitation

Children in the Crossfire

Whether you are married to an abuser or dating one, the children get caught in the middle. If he is the father of your children, he knows that he can use the children against you. If he has children from a previous marriage, you can learn a lot about him by how he handles custody and visitation issues.

If you are considering separation or divorce, your abuser knows that your children are his most powerful weapons. He may enlist the kids as his allies. He might work to instill fear, loyalty, sympathy, or anger — whatever he needs to get them on his side. You may be willing to let the money, the house, and your lifestyle go in order to be free of him, but he'd bet his life you won't let go of the kids. He'll figure that the surest way to make you stay, or to destroy you if you leave, is through the children.

Custody

Whether to agree to joint custody or to fight for sole custody is a difficult decision. Basically, joint custody means that you both have an equal voice in making major decisions regarding medical care, religious upbringing and education. Sole custody means one of you makes all the decisions without having to ask the other parent. (Please refer to your own state laws for complete information.)

Joint custody can work only when both parents are willing to make the concessions and compromises necessary to make decisions cooperatively. Abusers are interested in control, not compromise or cooperation. Abusers use joint custody to keep control over you and the children after the divorce is final.

Visitation

The court firmly holds that it is always within the children's best interest to maintain a close relationship with both parents. Being awarded or retaining physical custody of the children depends greatly on your willingness and ability to foster a close relationship between your batterer and your children.

You will be required to do everything possible to accommodate the batterer's needs regarding visitation. This includes being flexible regarding his rotating days off, shift changes, furlough, and vacations. By law, visitation is the father's right and he can choose whether or not it is convenient for him to exercise that right.

Children Are Afraid

Some kids don't want to go on visitation because they are afraid of their father. You must be extremely careful how you present this information to the judge. If the judge or the attorneys think that the children are afraid of their father because you project your fears onto them, you will be held responsible for contaminating the relationship between them and their father. The seriousness of this cannot be overstated. Abusers who claim that the mother is alienating the children from him ("parental alienation") can gain a huge legal advantage in a custody dispute. More and more abused mothers are losing custody or visitation rights to their abusers.

However, if the court believes that the children may be in danger when they visit with their father, the judge may order that his visitation be supervised by a relative or a court-appointed professional.

Police Officer's Advantages

In civilian cases, police generally avoid getting involved in disputes over visitation. But when the father is a police officer or firefighter, he is able to enlist the police to help him. For example:

  • The police write a police report against you for "interference with visitation." The legal consequence depends on where you live. It could mean a citation, having to appear in court, paying a fine, or facing arrest.
  • The police come to your house under the pretense of doing a "wellness check" because you didn't answer your phone when he called.
  • The police obtain an arrest warrant because he alleges that you fled the state or the country with the children.
  • The police arrest you because he convinces them that you are a danger to yourself or to the children.

Exchange at the Police Station

If you tell the judge that you are afraid of the abuser when he picks up or drops off the children for visits, the judge may order the exchange to be done at the police station. This may work for civilian victims, but it obviously presents problems for you:

  • You probably feel intimidated at the police station, while your abuser is on home ground.
  • His buddies supervise the exchange.
  • Officers may urge you to "cut him some slack" when he is late or doesn't show up.
  • His fellow officers believe that you are the one who is "putting the kids in the middle."
  • Officers accuse you of exaggerating your danger when you have contact with the abuser.

Children's Emotional Recovery

Partner abuse affects everyone in a family. Children's emotional recovery [personal account] is closely tied to the healing and empowerment of their mothers. Lundy Bancroft covers the post-separation parenting behaviors of men who batter, including their use of custody litigation as a tool of abuse in his book, The Batterer as Parent. He has graciously permitted us to post an excerpt [in PDF format] The Batterer in Custody and Visitation Disputes.